MIDNIGHT THOUGHTS: A JOB, A THANK YOU, AND A QUESTION MARK?

MIDNIGHT THOUGHTS: A JOB, A THANK YOU, AND A QUESTION MARK? by: Janna Real DeLeye

I am at this stage of my life where I feel like I don’t really know where I am going. I feel like I am always stuck, and instead of moving forward, life has become stagnant for me. I find myself moving in circles, taking the same route with no changes. It has become a repeated routine, and I am getting tired of it. I really thought I found my groove, but the more I showed up, the more lost I became.

I should be thankful because I have a job now that others dream of. I should be proud of myself because I get to save and buy my own things. I should be happy because I somehow found a way to show up after everything I’ve been through. I should be grateful and reward myself often for showing up and standing in spaces where I often feel like I don’t belong. And I am. Yet there are moments in my life where I feel like I am not living enough—where I force myself to show up because I don’t have a choice. I always question myself if I am barely living, especially on days when I feel like I am just floating. My thoughts wander to what could have been and what should have been if I just disappeared and never told anyone—aside from the responsibilities I carry at home and being the eldest daughter. I wonder what life might look like.

I once dreamed of this life when I was at my lowest point, but now that I am living it, I cannot ignore the feeling that this is not where I belong. I find myself searching for a place that is truly meant for me. I haven’t been in this field long enough to gain much exposure, yet I constantly wonder why I feel like I am in the wrong crowd. Every day I show up at work feels draining, and I get lost in my thoughts, eventually accepting that, for now, this will be my life. I tell myself I should gain experience for at least six months or a year, and if my long-lost dream finds me again, I hope I have the courage to disappear without goodbyes. My mind is always in havoc and chaos, but I let it out because I know that, just like in the past, I will eventually vanish into thin air and, in the blink of an eye, find myself in a new place.

I may have a job at the moment, and I do not take it for granted, but that does not mean I have settled for it. I constantly question if I am in the wrong room, if I knocked on the wrong door, and if that is why I feel so confused and lost. There are days when I feel scared and nervous for reasons I cannot explain. There are weeks when I don’t feel like showing up, and this has never been about my surroundings—it is me. The crowd was welcoming when I arrived, and even now they still are, but at the back of my mind, there is always a lingering thought: should I just resign, leave, and be gone? Because the truth is, I don’t feel like this is the field where I truly belong or where I can grow. I have always found myself drawn to a life filled with arts and words.

Life in the big city is always surrounded by bustling crowds, and achieving a career-life balance often feels like a fantasy. Still, I have always wanted more because I feel like I lack exposure and want to explore more. Unfortunately, I am still confused about what I truly want. I dream of moving far away and finding a career in a new province where home is miles away, or packing my bags and leaving the city to live in nature, enjoying the scent of books inside a library. Somehow, at the back of my mind, I also consider becoming a mother to a beautiful baby boy I would name Reagan, or living as a single career woman. The truth is, I still don’t know if I am in the stage of my life meant for serving others, or if I should wait a little longer—trusting that my time will come and that what I truly need is time to slow down and get to know myself more.

Adulthood is scary because I always feel like I can’t keep up with everyone else. While they run after their jobs like lifelines, I find myself wanting to sit down with my thoughts. I wonder if there is a life out there meant for me, or if there is a “real” life waiting where I can ignite my fire without it burning me. It makes me overthink whether I am just imagining it, because I have been searching for years and have yet to find it. This made me realize that maybe it’s not about living in nature or in the big city, but about pursuing your passion—no matter where you are—doing what you love and being the best at it. Maybe that is the life I have been searching for and hoping to live, yet still struggling to find.

Though I am grateful for this job, the uneasiness remains. It makes me think about staying simply because I have something others wish for. But I know myself more. I may have been living the life I once prayed for, but I am grieving the parts of myself that I don’t get to breathe in.