MIDNIGHT THOUGHTS: THE SOUND OF SILENCE

Midnight Thoughts: The Sound of Silence

I have always liked peace.    I don’t like to involve myself in any kind of trouble because I fear the aftermath of it. I always burned bridges first because it’s easier than being left by someone who would leave you with a lot of questions. I always run away and tend to leave the group for a while when I am facing some sort of turbulence and earthquakes and show up in the crowd when I make it out alive— acting like it’s nothing at all—and dodge my problem instead of facing it because I was that coward and terrified to face it and expect the worst to happen, even if the problem is still unaddressed.    I tend to forgive people easily even if I didn’t hear yet the other side of the story and just move on to the next chapter, whether I could be the problem or the other way around—I just move forward and never look back and decide to pick some learnings and realizations from it and apply it to the next because I also don’t want confrontation; it was like a death situation to me. I tend to always just look for the goodness in people because I don’t want to face the wrath and the truth of its façade. I don’t want a problem, so I tend to not make any conflict with the people around me or even myself. It was not like avoiding and turning a blind eye to the problem because I was aware, but more on the inner battle to not create chaos because I have this idea in my head that if I addressed it, it would become a big matter situation but at the same time irrelevant.     I burned a lot of bridges and found myself alone in my difficult times because I don’t usually speak about my chaos because I am terrified that it would be used against me—I was that vulnerable and broken.    I am quick to understand things even in the silence and in the murmur that sometimes I may be wrong for concluding a lot of things, but can you really blame me when my mind is having havoc and turmoil all this time?    The trial of the problem hasn’t yet started, but I already ended it with the worst possible conclusion with my thoughts and am already in the acceptance stage so that when the verdict comes from the judge, whether I could be guilty or deserve to live, it will not be a problem to me anymore. Because for me, this is what peace should look like. Just accept things and then move on and move forward like they didn’t exist at all.    The problem wasn’t yet stated in the state, but I already have a conclusion formed in my head while I also don’t like to communicate; I just run and escape. I don’t know why I am like this, and I am too tired to understand myself. It was just that I don’t want to make it big. I just want to end the mayhem. I just wanted to have peace.     In a heated argument, you will find me in the corner ready to walk away even if I know I am at my breaking point instead of talking it all out—I will take the shit and receive it, but I will never fire the words I wanted to say. It was so frustrating on my end to be misunderstood and misinterpreted by someone because I have this strong personality outside when, behind this façade, I was that wretched and wrecked. The way I cope with all these things happening to me is that at least I always make sure that my surroundings are at peace and in control because I know and am aware that I am at war with myself. I liked to be at peace because I was never calm. I cut people off first because I knew I was afraid that I would be left on the bridge all alone, hanging. Broken and dying. Maybe I liked the sound of silence because I was always in the noise of my own thoughts. The words in my head are always screaming and screeching, always ready to blow. They have been in there, dying to be heard, and for once in my life, I craved and longed for peace because I am always on the battlefield with myself.