THE TEA’S CHAPTER 4: LIFE AWAY FROM THE CROWDS

CHAPTER 4: LIFE AWAY FROM THE CROWDS

Dear Diary, 

The truth is, I never forgot about my dreams until now, if that’s what you wanted to know. I just didn't envision that life could turn on a dime. I didn't plan all of these things that happened around me. Sometimes, it frustrates me that life is not easy to predict and control and that the only way for me to be able to carry myself regardless of the effort that I put in for the people around me and still they couldn't appreciate every single detail that I poured into it is to cry out of frustration. For me to be able to move forward despite the hard work that I showed to the people whom I thought deserved it and still they couldn't see any traces that I gave them, I must take a deep breath and accept that life can be so hard and most of the time unfair. In most cases, life showed me all of the rainbows and shades of life, and in the end, I remained clueless from the start whenever I started doing things I loved the most. Life made me learn that I should just keep doing what I love, and all along the way I will find my trail and make my way from there. I maybe didn't follow the path that I thought I should be on, but the most satisfying thing to know is that I outgrew myself and was able to survive the hurdles of life I had to go through. From: I couldn't do it. From different kinds of doubt. From unknown fears. To: I did make it.

Seeing myself outgrow my past version was one of the things that made me realize this, and as I was also sailing my boat alone through these waves of life that I had gone through without a vivid map of where I should go and where I should be, I realized that you just failed; you just tripped. You just fell short. It was a battle of black and white.

 

Sometimes, I just had no choice but to continue, and sometimes I just had to accept that maybe life is supposed to be like this and move this way. I never knew that it could be far from what I pictured in my younger years. I thought life would be so much easier when you are an adult, but I was wrong; instead, the feeling of being a burden is twice and the silent pressure of the people around me that they give around is doubled. Sometimes, I think, the best way is to die, and sometimes, I think, the best way is to run and hide.

This is not exactly what I imagined my life to be. This is not what I pictured the most. This is not what Disney taught me life would be. I thought that after the fight and getting your trophy, you would rest and find your way back home, but reality taught me that every day is a battle to find your way home because life runs in circles. Movies didn't teach me that living in this realm means crying every night. Movies didn't teach me that adulting means feeling alone. The movies didn't teach me that when you fall, you will fall. Movies didn't teach me that fitting in with other opinions and standards can be depressing. The movies didn't teach me that reaching my dreams could be impossible. It was like finding a puzzle to figure out how things should work out.

Sometimes, it could be exhausting to be on the same road, but guess what? I am here and still here. Breathing. Alive. Hopeful. Faithful. Though there were times that I thought I couldn't, I still found myself standing strong despite my breakdowns at night, anxieties at midnight, and fears at dawn. And still, in the morning, I found myself facing the waves of life and the storms of the present. I don't know what to call this, but one thing I know for sure is that this is how I was able to survive the breaking point of my gloomy days. And perhaps, somewhere, deep down in the core, I may not feel it most of the time, but I knew that I was proud of myself because existing in this lifetime is not as easy as movies think it is.

 

These past few months felt so forceful and scripted, and I don't know why it kept me awake and alive when all I felt was sullen. I think of myself as someone didn't belong in the crowd that I chose, and I think of myself as a failure and bummer in so many angles and aspects of my life. The castle that I have been creating for a long time has been slowly breaking down, and it's firing back at me. I was afraid of what people would say about my choices and decisions in this lifetime. And I was torn between just going back or continuing this journey rather than doing things here uncomfortably. I already started this fight, but I didn't expect that it would cost me a lot of things in my life. Friends. Peers. Classmates. Dreams. I lost all of them with the life that I chose to live.

But I got myself, and somehow it makes me calmer and less worried about my future. At the end of the day, I still have myself to carry the hurt I have on this train. Perhaps it is better to lose someone you loved and cared about than to lose your actual self in the process of getting back your life. I think that's the most painful thing to feel in this lifetime.

 

There might be moments in my life when I felt like I was afraid to go out on my own and I needed someone to be by my side. There might be times that I was afraid to choose what I wanted. I thought that choosing was a cliché idea until I realized that I just avoided it because I knew that I really could not choose things in between. I don't want to regret something in the end. That's why the first thing I do is realize their value, and when I find out that they don't have value, it is my wants and the pressure of the people around me that create the noise. Instead of choosing, I will be the one who isolates myself and avoids them. If this is what was meant by choosing something in between, then maybe this is.

I was a follower throughout my journey in my story, even though I played the leader in my chapters. Even if I played the protagonist in my pages, I may lead all the way, but I always follow someone's footsteps, and that makes me feel safe and less troubled. Now that I am here, fighting my battle all alone and leaving everything I have in my home, which was once my safest zone, I feel nervous every day. Knowing that I have to walk alone on this road and eat alone in the restaurant. Knowing that I have some dreams to chase, I had to postpone running and prioritize different things that are not related to my career instead because I have priorities piling up on my table and responsibilities weighing on my shoulders.

To tell you the truth, diary, it's hard to live here. I have to go to work to cover my necessities in life. I have to attend training so that my body will be fine. I have to do my writing so that I can be alive and hopeful in this mysterious world. I do things here independently, but their words still haunt me. The wounds are still here. The scars that I kept hiding in this façade still slowly taunt me.

What if I don't make it? What if I will end up like a lost soul with broken dreams on the boulevard of an empty town?

Honestly, I am afraid. I became dependent on their words, and it reached a point where the things that I would do every single day would always matter based on what they would say. I was once a total pleaser, and I am afraid that I will go overboard again in the process of just letting things go. Because, even now and then, I still yearned for achievements, applause, and praise. Now, my world is so silent, and I can only hear my thoughts and heart beating, a sign that I am still alive and fighting. I get praise, but not like it used to. I am afraid that they will find out that I used to be great, and now I have fallen from grace.

I knew that I lived in their eyes. I lived by their words. I lived in their world. I lived in their fantasy. A fantasy that’s full of ignorance. A door of lock opportunities. A life of control. A fantasy of mystery. I have tried fitting in and blending in, but I was different, so I got lost in the crowd. I tried to catch up by doing things like the others, but it seemed like no one was interested in hearing my side or my choices at all. No one was interested in understanding me, and I begged to be understood. I begged to be heard until I got soaked in realizations and the cruelty of life—that life is supposed to be like this, and it’s up to me to live my life according to what I want. How to move forward after being tripped. How to stand up after a bad fall. How to rise like a Phoenix. But, the saddest thing was, I was aware of the truth and what’s not, and still, I chose to beat up with those words that didn’t define me at all and are not me, and I'm just so sad that sometimes I feel like a total stranger who was left behind on this road called the checklist of dreams that have been achieved.

But, despite these words that taunt me in the middle of my day, I choose to appreciate the smallest things in my life. It's okay to feel tired and rest. I appreciate how my body works for me. I appreciate what my mind thinks every day. I appreciate my smile despite my bad days at work. I chose to see the good things in my memoir and reminded myself not to beat myself up with those thoughts that would kill my confidence, and with the people that I am with right now, it also made me realize that I should take it slow. I have plenty of time ahead of me. And thanks to these folks, because perhaps without them I don’t think I can still win this battle while living under constant pressure, and while I was with them, I felt like I belonged and was welcomed, and I realized that life is not a race and it’ll never be. Opportunity comes and goes, but what is meant for me will be for me, and I don’t have to know the answers for now because some answers are on the way and lie in the middle and not in the beginning. I just have to dive into the puzzles, let myself drown in them, and figure out what’s next to do. I don’t have to run, for I found out that each one of us, including me, has our own timeline to shine.

I also learned that life doesn’t just go as you want and expect it to. And just because life is doing great things for others' wants and you expect that life will be the same for you but less cruel and easy, it’s not. Life has a lot of twists. Today, you have a lot of hellos. In the next few days, you will be greeted by a bye. Life can be different for others, and it’s never the same. Life is dark. Life is gray. Life is blue. Life is yellow. Life is white. Life is colorful. Life is a rainbow. Life is sunshine. Life is a storm. It is never consistent, and the same is true for us humans. We come and go. We stay and leave. We choose, and we discard. Life is like that, too. It’s fleeting, and it’s uncontrollable. It’s just a matter of how we will fight and battle with it.