MIDNIGHT THOUGHTS: A MAN CALLED OTTO

MIDNIGHT THOUGHTS: A MAN CALLED OTTO

Life has so much more to offer if we just focus on the good things in life.

I wrote those words on my paper and reflected on them. But as I was writing, other thoughts emerged in the back of my mind, leaving me speechless and bitter.

“But can you blame those who no longer want to see the good things that have happened in their lives if they choose to run away and leave everything and everyone behind?” A thought suddenly challenged my claim.

I was hesitant to write. This wasn’t the first time it had happened to me; it was always like this. One thought led to another, creating a never-ending cycle, and I didn’t know what the truth was anymore. I put my thoughts down because that’s where they seemed to fit, but sometimes it made me anxious because I didn’t include enough explanations and details. I tried so hard to help people understand my words.

Lately, I’ve realized that I don’t have to do that in my writing. Perhaps I’ve discovered that I am a total people-pleaser, hidden in the corner of the room, trying to express myself through my writing. I’m not really a perfectionist; I’m just afraid of making mistakes. I’m not particularly keen on details; I’m just scared that they will find out I’m a mess.

I was keen on details and descriptions because I didn’t want to leave gaps that wouldn’t sit right with the reader. However, it hit me hard that I was being too hard on myself again. All this time, I hadn’t shown consideration, and I didn’t make the cut. Nor did I survive. But maybe this is actually what we call life. We can be hard on ourselves while being soft on others because the constant pressure we face every day is enough to drive us insane and make us afraid that we don’t have enough time to explore while we are still on this road.

The pressure we face every day is not as easy as it may sound, and sometimes it’s difficult to process and accept the fact that we live under constant pressure. At the end of the day, it’s up to us to learn how to live our lives without dwelling on it. Sometimes, we want to run away and leave because of the responsibilities weighing on our shoulders. Other times, we stay present because we feel we have no choice.

But if she is brave enough to run and choose herself this time, what do you have to say? Will you blame her? Can you point fingers at her?

No, you can’t blame her if she chooses to leave, and I cannot question her if she chooses to stay. I can’t blame her when I struggle to appreciate the good things that have ever happened to me when everything seems so cluttered and confusing. So, for me, I guess I will also just understand if she chooses to go.

I know that she fought for her life because when darkness occupied every corner of the room and felt so heavy, she was left with no choice but to cry in silence. The pain was overwhelming and depressing, and the silence only made her feel lonelier.

In that moment, she would meet herself, and I know she tried to save herself.

Is it worth it to stay in this pain? Or is it okay to stop the pain and leave?

I know she wanted to come out. I know she wanted to shout. I know she wanted to run. I know she wanted to leave. If choosing herself means isolating from everyone and living for her, she is free to go. Even if it hurts me. Even if it pains me to see her from afar, it’s fine. I will try to understand. I will try to comprehend. I will try. Because I love her.

If it makes her happy, go.

If staying in this alleyway confuses her, fine.

If staying on this train hurts her, well.

I will always be here. You have done a good job. You tried your best, and that’s okay. You don’t have to do your best all the time. You don’t have to be the best version of yourself every day. You don’t have to pretend to be yourself constantly because, in my eyes, you are the best. By my standards, you have freedom. In my hands, you are well taken care of. On my shoulders, you are safe.

Just so you know, I’ve got you all the time.

I will be your guiding light in your lonely nights. I will be your eyes during your blackout times. I will be your armor in your fragile life. You can cry and count on me. You can be weak with me. In your pretentious world, every morning of your youth, you can be reckless and vulnerable when you meet me at night. I am not busy all the time. You can just call me or reach out when you can’t understand the world anymore. I can be your companion. I can be your listener. I can be your sounding board. I can be your therapist. You can leave me, but you can come back every time you fall and trip on your journey. And when everything hurts and comforting words can’t save you from that pit of darkness, I will be your key to your cages.

When everything seems so unfathomable, you can choose to hide and play it safe. But just so you know, hiding cannot solve everything. It can be a form of escape, but it won’t be the solution to the problem. It won’t be the conclusion of the story. Running away from the pain is not always the answer, and you must know that the best way to deal with it is to sit with the pain and feel it. How will you know? You can’t. How will you escape? You can’t.

Pain. Sadness. Anger. Happiness. These so-called emotions are fleeting. They may make your day better today, but tomorrow they can also ruin your mood. These feelings are not facts, and they will always run in circles if you do not learn how to control your mind and handle yourself. So, I urge you to know yourself better than anyone else because, in times of war, you only need yourself and your courage; the rest will be excess baggage.

If the waves of life feel heavy, you have the will to choose. Choose to battle like a hero. Choose to swim like a fish. Or choose to return to your safest zone until you feel secure again. You have the power to turn things around. You have the chance to lose and win with every decision you make. You will risk something, and from that risk, you will also lose something. You cannot bring it all at once; you can only choose one and lose the other. As you start your journey called life, you must always choose one and leave the other behind. It’s the same with chasing your dreams.

When you chase your dreams, there are many factors to consider. You may lose friends. You may find yourself away from the crowds. Your peers might not support you. But just so you know, on that journey, you will also meet new people along the way. You lose something, but you also gain from that loss: the lessons, the pain, the hurt, and the people. It is a never-ending process of growth. It will surely be worth it, but it will also leave you with a bittersweet smile.

As your big sister on this journey, I can be your spectator. I can be your positive thought. But I will never disregard all the battles you have fought, especially when you murmur the words you have said to me when you can’t feel anything anymore. In those times when you tried to leave but chose to stay. In those photos when you wanted to cry but smiled instead. In those moments when you wanted to break down but couldn’t, I know you tried, and that’s fine.

You will rest. We can both rest in peace on this journey. We can both heal. We can escape together. Because this time, you have me.

You don’t have to dwell so much on the pain, young lad, and you don’t have to stay in it either. There are people along the way who will try to help you to the best of their abilities, but always remember that the final verdict will be yours. At the end of the day, they will never understand your pain. They will never fathom how much you have suffered, and all these years, you may still be hurting. It might seem easy for others to move on, but the scars and wounds will always be present. That’s what you will carry, and it’s something they cannot understand about you. You may never know how they have suffered to help keep you sane and alive, but please understand that you are in pain, and they are in pain too. You were hurt, and they were hurt as well. It is always the pain and the hurt that you can share, never the happiness.

Fighting to survive amidst the thought of letting go is the hardest battle to win every single day. Fighting the urge to disappear is the real struggle you face in the mirror every morning. And a man named Otto made me dig deeper into these words and thoughts.

It tells us that a major turn of events in our lives can change our perspective on the world. We may become less caring toward the people around us and the world. We may become heartless. We may become different. We will be angry. We will be depressed. We will be cold. However, on the other side of it, we also learn that it’s okay to be in this state of life. Your feelings are valid. Your pain is valid. Hurt people hurt people. You were wounded. You were hurt. You were in pain. But what makes it not okay is tolerating the belief that your actions are always justified and that you never care how you treat others because you were hurt. People may never understand your perspective, but being kind will always be the answer for yourself and everyone else. Just be kind, and the world will heal. A little kindness toward yourself will not cost you anything perilous in this world.

One of the factors is losing someone you love and care deeply about, particularly if that person brought color to your monotonous life. The cycle of the five stages of grief is depicted in this movie: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You may feel a lack of purpose in this life because you lost someone you loved, someone who kept you going. Now that they are gone, you may feel like you want to follow them because you have no direction; that person was both the gasoline and the driver, while you were just the passenger. You feel like a traveler, and now that everyone is gone, you sense trouble.

In the end, everything is considered okay, but you don’t have to dwell on the pain for so long. You can still see the good things in life. You can still appreciate the beauty of life. It’s just that we need time to comprehend and accept everything, because life doesn’t just end in pain. Life has so much in store for us. It has many twists to come, and just so you know, life has many cycles and seasons.

What I loved about these movies is that almost at the end, a snowy scene is shown, followed later by a sunny scene. If you know me, you know I love connecting things. I enjoy figuring things out. I love metaphors and analogies. I appreciate words that have different meanings, and these movies leave me in awe, particularly in the latter part. They remind me that there might be tough times in your life that you will endure—times that may feel cold, lonely, or depressing, just like the snowy scene in the movie. But it’s okay, because that too shall pass, just like the sunny scene that follows. It makes me think that life is seasonal; it might be winter today, but tomorrow it will be summer.

It gives me hope that in every battle, as long as I have myself, I will be fine. A man named Otto represents the idea that there is still life out there. You don’t have to carry all your struggles alone because there are genuine people who are willing to listen; you just have to choose them wisely and I know it’s hard to trust and relate your pain to others’ pain and sadness during these times, but sometimes you don’t have to think about relating just to feel the pain. You simply need to connect and experience the emotions. You just have to understand and appreciate them.