THE TEA’S CHAPTER 3: BEHIND THESE WORDS

CHAPTER 3: BEHIND MY WORDS

                         

                            

I know healing isn't linear. Healing is a process, and it is not an easy path nor a walk-in-the-park experience. However, there were just days when I felt like I was back in my old cell again, and I know it's all just a part of it, but I could not just stop it. Perhaps this is just the common denominator of human nature—the thought and the idea of finally getting the peace I wanted, only to suddenly feel anxious and terrified of the day for no apparent reason. The progress of healing piece by piece and putting myself back together only to black out. I just could not help it, and one morning, I found myself shattered and haunted by my thoughts.

I wanted to run and hide again. I didn't know if I would ever truly find the solace of life or if I would forever stay in this chaos. I am almost halfway there, but here I am again, feeling lost in the crowd. Feeling alone. Feeling lonely. I didn't know if I should get mad or cry from all these nightmares I have been through. I just wanted the pain to stop. The noise was too loud in my head. My passion died because I could not light the fire. My inspiration was gone, for I could not balance all the ideas that came to me and turn them into art. I am afraid to showcase what I have, but at the same time, I am frightened that I will forever live in this cell. I want to do something, but at the same time, I don’t even know what I’m reaching for. I can't figure out the purpose of my dreams and goals anymore. It feels like a blank page. An empty page. An unfinished manuscript.

Perhaps it’s because others also have one, and that’s why I made one too. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid that people will see behind this façade—that I am still searching for myself at this age—and that's why I keep inserting myself even though I am already at the edge, crumbling. Maybe that’s really it. Because, honestly, I don’t know either. I just have this certain idea that I want to disappear—to be in a place where no one knows me, where I can just be me.

I want to leave. I want to disappear from everyone’s sight because I feel like I am the problem in this puzzle. It is suffocating here because everyone around me seems to have figured out what they want and where to sail their boat while I am still here fighting against the waves. I am still trying, still solving the mystery of my life. I am not a tough person, but I have to be. I am not stubborn, but I have to be. I am not strong, but I have to be strong and stand still—because who else will save me if not me? No one.

The moment I finally let go and run away from any of this will be the moment I muster the courage to leave everything behind. If I leave the home that was once my safest place but also where I met my demons, that will be the time I lose my strength to fight. Because if I don’t leave, if I don’t run, in the end, I will be the one left with countless bruises and open wounds. If I simply go along with the wind, I will forever be lost and confused, and I will never find my way to where I am supposed to go.

I have to become the best version of myself because I have to. There is no other option. If I stay forever in this alleyway where my breathing feels suffocated and my future seems gone, the only answer is to walk away and step forward. Life here is hard. Living in this world is expensive. Just existing is exhausting. The weight of responsibility on my shoulders is overwhelming. Even just breathing feels like too much to handle. I don’t know if I am the only one who sees life this way—perhaps it is because I have met its ugliness and harshness. Or maybe it’s the people around me who exhaust me, making everything feel even heavier.

However, leaving the place I once called home does not mean I am escaping life or my responsibilities. That’s something I have learned. Instead, it means finding another version of myself. It doesn’t mean that by walking away and shutting doors, I am abandoning my duties. In the end, I must continue moving forward, even if I am walking on rough roads—because I know things will get better.

In this lifetime, I know I am not the only one who has faced countless struggles. I am not the only one who wants to run away from unbearable pain but is left with no choice but to hold onto the idea of getting better. In my case, I don’t actually want to run away—I just want the pain to lessen or disappear. There are days when I feel drained by all my responsibilities, wanting to vanish, wishing I wouldn’t wake up in the same scene again. But deep inside, I don’t really want to disappear—I just want to be found. I want to wake up and see things from a new perspective, where the pain is gone, and my heart isn’t heavy anymore.

The truth is, I want to live. Thinking about the green trees, the beauty of the sunset and sunrise—these things make me want to live. The feeling of the waves touching my skin makes me want to stay a little longer. That’s what I truly mean. Behind my words of wanting to run away, what I really want is to take a pause—to take a break, even for just a little while. My words are a silent scream, asking to be held a little longer because I feel like I am close to giving up. My tears are not just sadness—they are the longing for the life I once had.

So, I deeply appreciate the people who check on me, even when I say I don’t need it. Most of the time, I carry all my burdens alone, pretending that everything is fine when it’s not. But their kindness reminds me that someone still cares.

Moving forward is hard, but every day, I remind myself that it is the only way. Facing the same demons and battles is painful, but it is the only way to survive. Life always goes on. My story does not end here. Every twenty-four hours, the day changes, leading to another new day. The passing of time has taught me that it never pauses for anyone, so I must go now—I must not dwell on the pain.

Behind my words, there was a time I wanted to die. But beneath that, I was also screaming that I wanted to live so badly. It was a cry for help, a silent prayer at night, begging for the world to be a little kinder to me. I cannot afford to find myself in the darkness again. So, if you see me walking alone, please don’t mind me. I have a lot weighing on my shoulders, and just thinking about it drains me.

I want to live.

I want to feel the sun embrace my skin once more. I want to see the blue sky with my own eyes—not through the pain I have been carrying, but through a heart that finally feels alive again. I want to witness the vibrant colors of the world around me, not the black, white, and gray shades of despair. I deserve peace. I deserve freedom. I deserve solitude.

This is also a reminder to everyone: You are not alone.

Someone out there understands your struggles.

Someone out there has solved the riddles you are trying to answer.

Someone out there sees you, even if you feel like an unread book full of mysteries and twists.

You are not alone on this journey.