THE TEA’S CHAPTER 1: THE UMBRELLA

CHAPTER 1: UMBRELLA

Waiting was never a problem for me. I can wait and be patient with it, but not just arrive late or on time at the place. But it wasn't really about waiting. It wasn’t about simply being on time—or even arriving early. In fact, I always waited at the bus stop, standing for so long for it to show up so that I could hail and get ahead of the site. But behind this, I never actually wanted to wait; it was just that I was afraid that I would be late to my destination, so I prepared my things ahead of the call time so that I would arrive early at the venue.

These thoughts are something that I could not fathom so well in my head. I am always that girl who seems so rushed in everything she does and has to prepare a script or something so that her nerves would calm down because the fear of not preparing herself and arriving late is drowning her. She always felt like time was moving too fast. She could settle in the idea of it is what it is. But sometimes, it just torments her out of nowhere. She had this notion that she didn't want to be late or arrive on time for a certain occasion because it would be so appalling, and it was not because she was excited about the reason why she had to be early, but because it was in her mind, preoccupying the space of her empty thoughts. It's a draining perspective and sometimes becomes a nightmare too.

I admit that sometimes waiting makes me anxious. It makes me uneasy because I always think of the consequences of things happening beyond my control, and this could be the reason why I would be late. I always think of the aftermath. The thought of not knowing what's going on and arriving late could be horrifying for me. I always panicked. I sometimes broke down. It was one of my lowest and weakest points in my pivotal moments. I could not figure out why I was so afraid of being late. I could not afford to be late. It would be the loss of me. The fear of not arriving on time. The fear of being late. The fear that no spot will be left for me—it would slowly kill me. All of it. I am not getting any younger, and time is running out, just like my age. I could settle on the idea of waiting for someone at the coffee shop, but I could not settle with the thought that someone is waiting for me. I know it seems puzzling and confusing, just like my life. But I also could not decipher it on my end. The idea seemed so lost and disorganized.

The dreams that I had to delay from getting because I was blasted. The life that I wanted to live seemed so out of reach because there were things that could not just be explained in one paragraph. I was lost. I did not know what to do. I drowned. I was so preoccupied with the life I imagined that I forgot that reality had different plans and journeys for me. I had to be alone, just like an aloof traveler. It was scary and messy for me. I was not familiar with it. It was so new, and I was not yet sober from the defeat I had gone through in the last pages despite trying my best, but here I was, starting anew in a world I was not completely familiar with. I had not yet totally moved on or healed from the past, but I just kept going because I had to. I was left with no option and no choice. I may not want to settle on the idea that at this moment, this would be my life now; I just had no other alternative to escape this life.

My schoolmates, classmates, and batchmates seemed to be doing well in one place—university. Making friends. Working on group projects. Meanwhile, I am here, seemingly fine but totally lost in it. I may not have seemed so bothered by the idea that they were going to a place I had once dreamed of, but in reality, it pains me. It stabbed me. I just had to appear unbothered. No one asked or dared me to pretend and hide my true feelings, but I cannot help it. I cannot help but hide my pain and my wishful thinking that I could also be one of them. There are no other reasons to back up the life that I chose, but I was just being myself, thinking and imagining what real life would look like and what would have unraveled for me if I had become one of them. Would I also have friends to hang out with? Would I also get stressed? Would I cry and have a mental breakdown when the night became so silent because of the piling quizzes and performance tasks? It was all wishful thinking, full of what-ifs, but those are exactly the thoughts running through my head as I see my peers around my age attending university. It seemed unfair, but sometimes, I realized along the way that this is just how life is.

I am not going to say that I was happy despite having a small career, despite having a job, despite my essay being published in a book, despite everything seemingly going well on my end. Because what if one day, everything I have temporarily at the moment is taken away from me?

I could say that I was grateful because where would I be at the end of the day if I became nothing? Where would I be if I had to go back to scratch? I honestly don't know either. I might end up losing myself twice in a row, and I don't know if I would still be able to stand my ground and my walls. Because sometimes, you just let yourself experience the madness and heartbreaks of life, but I don't want to go through it all again. The tragedy. The distress. The anguish. It was all heartbreaking. I may have saved myself from drowning and patched up my broken heart, but the suffering was just too much that I fear going through the same phase again.

It may seem like I know how to navigate my life just like anyone else in my path, but in reality, there are still questions that I cannot answer, and there are still lanes where I do not know the route. It may seem like I know what to do if I hit rock bottom because I have experienced life outside the zone, but what you don't know is that there are storms and hurricanes that come unexpectedly, crumbling the life you have built. And there is no other way to deal with it but to let it flow and pour hard. That an unforeseen rain would come into your life, and you get caught off guard because you did not bring an umbrella, leaving you with no other option but to wait in the shed until it stops. An unexpected plot twist that sometimes you don’t see coming because you thought better days were ahead, but life is playing a game with you. Sometimes, you win; sometimes, you lose. But what matters most are the lessons you learn and the realizations you gain. And you realize that there are days when you have to pause, breathe, and take it slow.

I was not afraid of the idea of waiting, but I was more terrified of the aftermath of the affairs I was in. I was scared that I would be left behind. And I realized that many of us are caught up in life, frightened by the thought of being left behind, because we have instilled the idea in our minds that life is a race. You believe you have to run fast, or else you’ll be a loser. Or else, there will be no chair waiting for you. Or else, you won’t arrive at the destination you wanted. Or else, you won’t be as successful as the others. Or else, you’ll be left behind. Or else, you’ll be late.

You have this thought that if you are late, there will be nothing left for you. That there is no chance to catch up. When in reality, there is so much to catch up on. When in reality, there is so much we can do while slowing down and running at our own pace. And at the end of the day, what matters most is that you will still reach the end of your journey. You are the writer and protagonist of your own book. And if you take the time to reflect, perhaps you will realize that you are not late. You are not left behind. Maybe, just maybe, you are right on time.

Wait—maybe because you are not far from the path you are meant to take. Maybe those who started moving have a long journey ahead, but you cannot deny that some people always have it easy. But remember, everything happens for a reason.

Waiting can mean figuring things out. It could mean a change in your career path. It could be molding you into the best versions of yourself. Waiting could be part of our growth. But waiting is not for everyone. In the end, you will always have the final say in the choices you make. And what matters most is that—despite everything—you still tried. There are phases in life when waiting was no longer an option. Sometimes, you have to let go and run because in the end, it's all a matter of choice—and that choice is yours. It's on you.